Policies and Procedures
by cjulina
Summary: Gwen, new to Torchwood, learns of important changes to the policies and procedures.


A/N: This was inspired by the commentaries on the Season 1 DVDs concerning how they disliked the shiny material used for the Weevil boiler suit in the first episode. This got me thinking how and why Weevils would be wearing Torchwood emblazoned clothing. The following insanity is the end result of that thought process.

Gwen Cooper was bored. Painfully, mind-numbingly, wearisomely bored. She had thought that quitting the Police force to join Torchwood would be, well, exciting. Sure there was all the exhilaration during the time she was first exposed to the not-so-secret secret organization. Her first encounter with a Weevil. Gaining entrance to the Hub through subterfuge. Seeing an honest to goodness live Pterodactyl. Watching her soon-to-be-boss shot through the head miraculously return to life so he could deal with the murderous Suzie. Gwen sighed. That had been invigorating.

Even her first day on the job had been thrilling. A complete disaster but thrilling nonetheless. Since then, it had been boring. Days filled with reading, memorizing, studying stacks of policy and procedure manuals. Learning which form needed to be filled out given certain circumstances. Form 43917 if the alien in question is tripedal unless, of course, said alien was from the Hexaquallin cluster. In that case, use form 85602-f, supplemented with subforms 27-B and 644-W. Gwen had spent so much time over the last five weeks painfully working her way through the 529 procedures manuals that it had began to invade her dreams. Instead of slipping into luxurious images of Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp giving her a manicure and pedicure (a particular favorite of hers), she, instead, endured nightmares of caterpillars reciting form numbers and demanding she respond with the circumstances said form would be used.

The monotonous boredom was why Gwen was now standing beside the Torchwood SUV. She figured that it was far more important to know and understand all the kit stored there in case an emergency should arise. Not that she was hoping for one. No, not her. She was perfectly content to sit all day long, reading bloody stupid procedure manuals while her brain slowly dribbled out her right ear. Still, she was glad she'd ventured to the secret car park area for now there was a mystery to solve. Stacked neatly to the side of the SUV were all the various toolkits, attaché cases, and bits and pieces that normally filled the trunk space. In its place were stacks upon stacks of boiler suits, each neatly sealed in individual cellophane packaging. She headed back into the Hub, a cellophane wrapped boiler suit gripped firmly in her hand.

"Jack! What's this?" Gwen waved the package in the air.

Toshiko and Owen tore their eyes away from their respective computer screens to stare at her. Ianto popped out of Jack's office and strode over to lean against Tosh's desk while Jack sauntered out of the conference room, placing his hands on the metal railing and looking down at Gwen standing in the middle of the cavernous room.

"It's a boiler suit."

Gwen stifled a sigh of irritation. "I can see that, Jack. The question is what do we need with so many of them? Why is Torchwood emblazoned on it? And, why does the fabric look like a reject from the disco era?"

He gave her a bit of a patronizing smirk. "Math's not your strong point, is it, Gwen? That's three questions but to answer you. One: For the weevils. Two: It's called Product Identification. And, three: Blame Owen."

Owen began to bluster. "Hey! You just told me to pick something that would look good on camera. I thought the dark, slightly metallic look would look cool. Give the Weevils a bit of class."

"Well, you were wrong. They just look like cheap shiny plastic. Because of the tight schedule, we'll just have to make due this time round. Tosh'll be in charge on picking out the next ones."

A tiny, dainty "Eep" escaped into the room from the computer tech's area.

Gwen looked up at Jack with confusion. "Why do the Weevils need clothing? And why do they need Product Identification anyway? You planning to sell Weevil action dolls or something?"

"Hey! That's a great idea. Weevil dolls. I like it. Ianto write that down." Jack didn't pause to note Ianto's quick nod before continuing. "I'm guessing from all these questions, Gwen, that you haven't read the latest change to the procedures."

This time Gwen didn't try to stifle her irritated sigh. "No, Jack, I haven't. Who'd of thought that a five man operation would have more procedure manuals than the entire bloody Cardiff Police Force! So what's this new procedure?"

Ianto moved over to Gwen's desk, instantly honing in on one of the binders scattered around her desk. He walked with his stately stride to her side, handing over the binder while taking the package from her hand and then returned to leisurely lean against Tosh's desk.

Gwen opened the binder and quickly scanned through several pages. "Scripts? I've just been handed a binder full of TV scripts?"

"Yep. It's a brilliant idea that I …" Jack was interrupted by the clearing of Ianto's throat. "Well, that is, it was a really _good_ idea that Ianto came up with. It became _brilliant_ when I …" Again Ianto's soft cough echoed from the room and Jack deflated just slightly. "Oh, alright, it was all Ianto's brilliant idea."

The Welshman pushed himself away from Tosh's desk, straightened his tie and smoothed down his jacket. When he had finished preening, he quietly said, "Thank you, Sir."

No one missed the lust-filled stare that Jack gave Ianto. "So does this mean you'll let me peel the layers away so I can finally see what's hidden under your cute suit?

"No."

"But ..."

"No." With that Ianto exited to the drinks area to sort out the distribution of coffee.

Gwen was starting to get a headache. "Will someone explain to me why I'm holding a binder full of TV scripts?"

"Jack's right. It really is a brilliant idea. Even if it was the Tea Boy's. I guess even tea boys can come up with one good idea once in their lives." Because Owen's attention was focused on Gwen, he didn't see Ianto's hand slip into his suit pocket, removing an Industrial strength laxative, and plop it into the coffee he had just set on the medic's desk. "As you have so frequently and screechingly pointed out, Gwen, as a secret organization, Torchwood isn't so secret. _Everyone_ seems to know about us."

"Yes, and what does that have to do with Weevil boiler suits?"

At this point, Jack took over the explanation. "You see, we can't retcon all of Cardiff. We tried that once. The results weren't pretty. So, we're trying a new tack. We blackmailed the BBC into commissioning a brand new Sci Fi show about five people who work for a secret organization that hunts aliens and scavenges alien technology for a living. Sounds vaguely familiar, doesn't it?"

Standing there, very perplexed, Gwen opened and closed her mouth several times before she could form her next question. "So you're planning on hiding the truth of Torchwood by turning it into a show on the telly?"

Ianto began to preen again as he explained the concept. "That's the general idea. Now when people see a weevil or any other alien or one of us running through the streets of Cardiff, they'll think they've stumbled onto a location shoot. Alien tech can be explained away as props. It's a rather ingenious way of staying covert in a non-secret way."

"Plus," interrupted Owen, "anyone who tries to say they've actually seen a real, live weevil will be dismissed as an absolute nutter, someone incapable of separating fantasy from reality. No need to break out the retcon to cover up Weevil sightings."

Gwen tapped a finger on her chin as she processed the idea. "I guess that makes some sort of twisted logic but it still doesn't explain the boiler suits."

"Oh, that's easy to explain!" replied Jack. "Even though the show is going to be post-watershed, the BBC still won't allow us to show full frontal alien nudity. Hence, the boiler suits. I mean, we could have the weevils run around using their hands to cover their family jewels but that really wouldn't work."

"I'm almost afraid to ask but why not?"

Jack gave her an incredulous look. "Have you seen the size of their jewels? They are colossal! The only real solution is to provide them with clothing."

Skeptical as always, Gwen saw a very big problem. "And just how are you going to convince the weevils to put on the boiler suits?"

"That's my department." For the first time, Tosh's meek voice joined the discussion. "First I identified every exit the Weevils might utilize to escape from the sewer system and each was rigged with a Psyitonomicon. We know they have a low level of telepathy so I used the Trilliaxian bio-inducer we uncovered three months ago at that crash site in Splott. By doubling back the inverse neural phase and then augmenting it with a level two Jascan radiation burst I can reverse the polarity of the trans-inducers thereby creating a bio …"

Unbeknownst to Tosh as she excitedly rambled her way through all the technical and scientific jargon, her commentary was having a distinct effect on her coworkers. Jack, the only person besides Tosh that was still awake, stood with hands firmly on the railings but with a decidedly glazed, unseeing look to his eyes. Gwen was slumped over a desk, quietly snoring. Ianto was still propped against Tosh's desk, utilizing a position engineered to expend the minimum effort required to remain upright, though a tiny line of drool was forming at the edge of his open mouth. Owen, on the other hand, was curled into a tight ball, all the while happily sucking on his thumb.

Tosh might have continued indefinitely with her techno babble had it not been for the fact that Gwen's quiet snoring elevated to levels that could rattle walls. Two things happened at once. Jack and others returned quickly to consciousness and Tosh realized that she had once again become Torchwood's answer to a nonchemical sleeping aid. With cheeks burning bright red, she quickly summarized. "The Weevils will get a telepathic burst compelling them to don a boiler suit whenever they try to leave the sewers."

Gwen, ever pragmatic, could see a simpler solution. "Wouldn't it be better to just compel them to stay in the sewers?"

"That would hardly make for good telly, now would it?" Jack then turned his attention to Ianto. "You almost ready?" He unashamedly kept a steady eye on the Welshman's bum as he exited into Jack's office. Almost instantly Ianto was back, completely encased in a bright yellow hazmat suit. Jack could only gape. "I'd never thought I'd say this but even in a hazmat suit you look hot!"

Blithely ignoring Jack, Ianto headed towards where the SUV was parked, Jack trailing quickly behind.

"So after we finish up, can I …"

"No."

"But …"

"No."

Heading back over to her desk, Gwen slumped down onto her chair, dragged over the nearest binder and flipped it open. "Bloody procedures manuals."


End file.
